Poverty is so much more than not having material things. If it were only that easy to give someone something and then it would be ok. The biggest things in the forefront of my mind today regarding poverty are the lack of self-esteem and entitlement. Unfortunately we as the people who come here to help have created generations of Haitians who think that they are entitled to have ‘things’ given to them and then when we don’t they are mad and say we are selfish. I can’t help where God placed them, or me but I can try to give of myself and try to make a difference. That’s where it gets tricky in my mind, the giving of self. Even that isn’t enough. The old adage “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile” is proving true over and over in my life. I pray daily for discernment and wisdom in the choices I make and never make them lightly. Sharing your deep feelings and talking things out are not a part of Haitian culture. Consequently little things become big things and grudges are created and held. I am not a counselor but I know that doesn’t work to have a productive relationship if you can’t let go of some things and talk them through. I love the Haitian people, they are smart, funny, caring and the list can go on. I want to share my life with them but it seems that whenever I invest myself in a person it always ends in hurt and heartache. I try to be cognizant of the fact that I can give ‘things’ and they can’t and that’s not an easy way to have a relationship. Sometimes it’s so easy to help out by giving something but sometimes that hurts so much more than it helps. There comes a point when it is not a two-way relationship and when I stop giving or ask for something then the ugly entitlement issues rears its head. “You have more, you have to give it to me” or “why should I help you” or “you can just buy another one when something gets broke” or “why are you making my life so miserable”. I don’t know how we arrive at this point or what it is that triggers it but it is becoming a pattern that I am seeing over and over. Yes I will always have more ‘things’ and I will share what I can but it’s not the ‘things’ that matter in life, maybe I wouldn’t feel that way if I had never had ‘things’, I don’t know. . Relationship is a 2 way street that requires give and take from both sides. When the playing ground isn’t level it’s a challenge to keep the give and take going but I believe it can be done. I just don’t seem to be very good at figuring it out. I know Keith tells the story of Dr. and Mrs. Mellon who were buried in 2x4 caskets lined with cardboard. And when Keith pointed that out to a Haitian they said “but they had the choice”. Is that it? That I have choices that they don’t have? The thing is they do have choices, we all do. Everyday we make choices that affect our day, our attitudes and sometimes our lives. In my mind investing in peoples lives is about equipping them to make good choices and trying to give them a leg up. Why are there so many that can’t see that? It is a heart change that has to happen and it is a choice we each have to make. Sometimes you are so beat down with lies that you can’t see the truth, but with time, love and patience can’t people change? You have to want to try and change your life. It’s never easy and this is where I see the self-esteem problem. When you are the poorest of the poor you don’t have any idea how to get out of the hole and when perhaps you are shown a way it is scary and you don’t think you can do it. How come some can and some can’t? Why do people let their pride get in the way – rather than admit they have a problem, when everyone already knows they do, they put on a façade that things are fine to their peers and then come crying to you afterward for a handout. I guess it’s not so much different with people in the US going into debt to ‘keep up with the Jones’’. Here though it is sometimes a matter of life and death. I guess looking in from the outside is always easier but it is so frustrating to want to help and try to help just to have it thrown back in your face. It becomes you that are the problem and the big bad ogre. I don’t know the answers, I don’t know what is right or wrong, when enough is enough but I know that I can’t stop trying to help and it breaks my heart when someone won’t accept it. I say I don’t know the answers and I don’t in the mechanics of the day to day. But the ultimate answer is that with God all things are possible and that is the way to true heart change. The thing is you have to choose to accept and follow him. These are the thoughts rambling around in my head today. They are very hard to put on paper and I am not the most eloquent writer but God knows I’m trying to muddle through this thing we call life and some days are just pretty darn difficult and confusing. I wouldn’t trade it for the world but I could sure use a hug ☺