Because. Because: 1. for the reason that 2. the fact that Because she has mental illness she was put out on the street Because she was out on the street she was hit by a tap tap Because she was hit by a tap tap and on the street she received no medical care Because she received no medical care her foot became infected Because her foot became infected she got septicemia and screw worms Because she got septicemia and screw worms she couldn’t walk Because she couldn’t walk someone dropped her off in front of my house Because she was dropped off in front of my house I decided to help Because she has mental illness I took her to the State mental hospital Because the government, despite a Presidential visit in October 2011, doesn’t have funding to staff the mental hospital there is no medical doctor Because there is no medical doctor they refused to take her Because they refused to take her we went to the hospital where they referred us Because that hospital only sees children they referred us to another Because that hospital had no surgeon they referred us to another hospital Because that hospital has staff that have no regard to human life we went to another hospital Because that hospital is a small one they said they couldn’t help Because they couldn’t help we went to the “American funded” hospital where they said they would be happy to see her if we came back on Tuesday Because it would take until Tuesday to have her seen we went downtown to General Hospital Because they have doctors and no supplies I went and purchased injections to “calm her down” Because she has been treated worse than a Haitian dog she was afraid when people tried to approach her and the “calming” medicine didn’t work. Because the calming medicine didn’t work they said she needed to go to the psychiatric ward Because she has a horrible wound the psychiatric ward said she needed to be seen in the surgical ward Because the medicine didn’t work brute force became the answer Because she fought everyone laughed Because everyone was laughing she fought harder and they tied her. Because they tied her she was forced to sit in a wheelchair with her arms bound behind her back and her legs pulled up her feet in the chair and her head held back by her hair Because I got upset with this treatment and no one from surgery would come and see her and it was getting late I became afraid I became afraid because it was after dark and I was downtown in a very unsafe part of town and had my truck stolen last week I became afraid because I could see no hope in the situation and had no answers and wasn’t hearing from God Because I was afraid I finally just left Because I just left she will receive no treatment Because she will receive no treatment she will die alone on the street in an unfamiliar place or in a cell of the hospital for the acutely mentally ill. Either way she will be alone and suffer a slow painful death There are so many ‘becauses’ but there are just as many whys. One big why for me is why did God allow this to happen? Everyone at least should have the right to die with a little dignity. I know it’s not within my capabilities to even begin to comprehend the bigger picture that God has and there must be good in it someplace. I just can’t see it at all. I, who am a ‘Christian’ and have God at my back ran like a scared little kid and hid my head pretending it would all go away. The thing is there is nothing else I could do. Well that’s not true. I know exactly how she needed to be treated and could do it, but if something would go wrong under anesthesia then I would be accused of murdering a mentally ill woman. Why will the Haitian medical system not treat her? I don’t understand how the medical profession can’t see something so straight forward. But wait no one actually saw her foot except at the one hospital that said she needed to see someone in surgery. I have never been more frustrated in my life. Everyone has had kind words to say – saying I went above and beyond in this case and all of those lovely platitudes. True I did do what no Haitian would do but it still doesn’t change the situation for the lady. I am sitting here struggling about going back to the hospital to see what happened to her. The thing is I don’t know what I will do if she is still there. The psychiatric people said they won’t keep her because I’m not a blood relative so I can’t admit her. She is at a minimum schizophrenic and violent when she feels threatened. I have no way to care for her; even if it was just helping her get her foot healed and letting her go back on the street. And if I go back and they let her go then I get to deal with helping be responsible for her death. It is a catch 22 that is tearing me apart. You say - but you tried, you did all you could do, just trust in God. Those are all fine things to say and they are true but it still doesn’t change the fact that I feel like crap. No one gave up on me when I had my mental illness…You didn’t abandon me and neither did Jesus. Jesus didn’t abandon that little lady but I did. I have prayed, called on outside resources and racked my brain I can’t see a way to help her and I couldn’t leave her lying in the street. The obstacle here is getting SOMEONE to treat her foot and then the mental hospital accepting her. I don’t know the answers…. I will probably catch a lot of flak for writing this but this is REALITY. Life is messy and there are always difficult choices and things there are no answers to and that is HARD FOR ME TO SWALLOW! Maybe it’s something best hidden in a journal but I don’t think so. I am worn out emotionally and physically and can do nothing more so I am just going to give it to Jesus and hope he remembers my heart on judgment day.